alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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