so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
