i need an iv and a liver transplant
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
