i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
