I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
we made out on top of his cat.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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