I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
