her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I cockslap morals
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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