so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
