I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
