ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
