Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
