can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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