The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
