Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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