I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
