Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
