Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
