What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
