I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
