My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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