you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
