his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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