just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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