who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
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my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
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The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
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