and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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