No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I AM VODKA MAN
Sorry about my life...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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