Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
