o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
