I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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