stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
