member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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