So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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