i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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