Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
