You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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