mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
im six kinds of drunk right now
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
