I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
you had me at cake vodka
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
