i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
