I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
