Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
dude. I can hear the air.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
