how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
