i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
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