Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
