I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
