its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
