I love how my cats smell like pot.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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