I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
