I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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