I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
