If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
