One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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