Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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