Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
