he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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