Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I hate all girls vehemently.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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