omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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